"Few friendships would remain, if each knew what his friend said of him when he wasn't there." -Blaise Pascal, French Mathematician and Philosopher, Blaise Pascal books

I sometimes wonder what people say about me when I'm not in the room. Not that I'm an incredibly important person, nor do I think of myself as an interesting object of spontaneous conversation, but I know that people talk.

What do they say about me when I'm not there though?

I hope they say the same things as when I'm present. You know, nice things; polite things; respectful things; honest things. I'd like to think the people who I call 'friends' are individuals of character and integrity, who would never think to risk our relationship by speaking ill of my good name without giving me the opportunity to defend myself.

I'm not naive though. I'm certain that some of my closest friends say less than flattering things about me behind my back. At times, I might have even done something to warrant negative comments or criticism. I know I can be difficult to deal with on occasion.

Shouldn't a true friend refrain from 'bad mouthing' me to others though, no matter what I've done to upset him or her? Again, I'd like to think the answer is 'yes,' but I know it's not.

Friends come in all shapes and sizes, and none of them are perfect. Some people are negative by nature - they have learned to complain about anything and everything, including their friends. It doesn't mean they're bad people, but it does mean there is a flaw in their character.

Pascal seems to think that when this character flaw is exposed it is unlikely the friendship with remain. A big part of me agrees with his assertion, but a small part of me thinks it fails to recognize the character flaws that exist in all of us. In fact, I've never met a person who hasn't criticized a friend when they weren't there. I bet if you think hard about it, neither have you.

I don't like it when I find out a friend has said something bad about me when I wasn't there. At times, especially if it's about something already resolved, I let it go. Other times, when it comes as a surprise to me, I have a hard time not addressing it with the person.

It is inevitable that friendships will be tested in this way, so the question becomes what to do about it? Should you abandon your so-called friend, as Pascal alludes? Or, do you stick it out and give the person another chance?

If you abandon each friend that let's you down, you may well avoid future disappointment; however, it will be at the price of loneliness. Not every stab in the back is fatal.

True friends are hard to come by, at least for me anyway. I value every friendship I have. I strive to honor those friends by not talking negatively about them to others. I'm not perfect though, and I fail at this goal during moments of selfishness or frustration.

What do you do when you learn a friend has spoken poorly of you when you weren't there? Do you cut that person out of your life? Do you address the behavior with her? Do you say nothing and let the anger fester? Do you get revenge? Or, do you forgive him and agree to do a better job of keeping criticism a more private matter between the two of you?

I'd like to think that friendship is a bond that can never be broken, but that is something you have to decide for yourself. Pascal says that "few friendships would remain," if you knew what people really said about you all the time. As for me, I'd rather give friends one too many than not enough chances to do (and say) what is right.

Please share your thoughts about friendship and what you do when a friend talks behind your back.

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